I started writing because an English teacher, (who I owe a huge thank you to) once forced me to keep a journal. To write things I may one day forget, things I couldn’t tell anyone else and things I felt. I started this blog on an impulse and to bitch about my ex. And that’s the way it went for a while. I wrote and felt a release. People responded to it, so I broadened the scope of my blog, to talk about me as a person. Yet more people responded so I starting writing about the things life taught me too.
The thing is though, I’m a competitive person. I do things to succeed. I have a drive unlike anyone you know. That’s just who I am. Problem: Tumblr is changing, the whole “featured” thing didn’t show on my up on my radar for ages. But then I started to get featured and I liked it. It’s nice to have your work recognised. But now it’s changing how and what I post. I’ll write things and not post them because I think, “there’s no way that’ll ever be featured” and then there are posts that I really like but don’t get featured, and that can be extremely disheartening. Of all the prose editors, only two follow me. And I only know of Jen who features my posts, I owe her a great thank you. But the point is, tumblr has become a game to me. It’s competitiveness, and it’s influenceing what I write. And while I’m grateful that I’ve to some degree, found success it’s not what I wanted my blog to be about. It wasn’t made to be a place for competing in. It wasn’t supposed to be somewhere that I censor what I write on the basis of how well it would be recieved. I’m not gonna lie about it, I enjoy gaining new followers and I enjoy having my posts liked and read. The difference is before, that was all a byproduct of my writing, now I’m writing for it. And that needs to change.
I’m not saying I’m going to leave tumblr. My dash gives me hours of joy. But I need to clear my head and go back to the place I was at, where I didn’t care about being featured. It’s just become too egotistical and narcissistic. I hope you’ll all understand it isn’t easy to come out and say all that so bluntly.
