I haven’t wept in a very long time, and I rarely do, because I see it is a sign of weakness even though I know it’s not. It’s just that I have always been surrounded by strong men who don’t cry, and being raised by one who never does and around others that rarely do, strong, powerful individuals, I’ve always been inclined to believe that there is strength in not doing so. So I followed in their footsteps and even at breaking point I reeled those tears in and kept a stern face and moved on.
You are one of two individuals to have ever seen me cry. I remember being 5 years old and breaking wrist, the pain made me cry and whilst waiting for the ambulance my brother crouched down to my level and he said to me, “don’t cry, crying releases all your anguish, that stuff is important.” At which point I took in a deep breath of air, sniffled and asked “why is pain important to keep inside,” and he said “because it’s an incredible force you can channel into getting what you want in life, hold on to it and channel into something more useful.” I asked what and he told me that I’d know when I find it. And I can say truthfully that everything that I’m proud to have achieved in my life is a direct result of me having channeled my anguish, my pain, my suffering and my rage. Now some might say that’s an incredibly destructive foundation to build achievements upon and maybe it is but it is what it is and far too late to be changed now.
Recently however something has broken inside of me and my heart weeps. All these years I’ve kept it all inside even in the presence of no one but myself. But now I weep alone in the fortress of my heart. I weep for all the injustices in the world, I weep for lack of humanity in this world, I weep that I know this and do nothing about it and I weep for the pain and suffering in my loved ones, but most of all I weep for the loss of you from my life. I can’t quite put into words what your presence means or rather meant to me, what I can say though is that your absence has left a great void in my heart and now my tears fill this void. In my calculated and cold world your loss is a tragedy I cannot easily overcome. I understand that this is my own doing, it was my choice to remove you from my life and everyday I regret it.
I don’t want to stay away anymore. I miss you and I need you but every time I pick up the phone to call or message you this fear creeps in, this fear that you make my heart weak, you soften the strength that I’ve built and bring warmth to an otherwise cold heart, but most of all I fear that hate has grown in place of the love you had for me, and if that is the case I can’t exactly blame you for it, after all it was my doing. I chose this and if there’s anything you’ve called me out on it’s being man enough to follow through with the choices I make.
I hope you’re doing okay. I hope that this finds you well even though I doubt you read this blog anymore.