August is Over

I'm just a guy who likes to write, often it is deep, most of the time I tend to post my inner most thoughts and emotions. Sometimes it can be rather dark, but I see no reason for censorship. I don't often post photo's, I tend not to re-blog. So if you should choose to follow me, follow me with the knowledge that in reading my posts you will know me better than anyone in my life does, but then at the same time not know me at all. After all this blog is anonymous, as theres always fun to be had in mystery.

© August-is-Over. Copyright 2009-2013.

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3 days ago with 8 notes

Tagged: prose creative writing

Weep

I haven’t wept in a very long time, and I rarely do, because I see it is a sign of weakness even though I know it’s not. It’s just that I have always been surrounded by strong men who don’t cry, and being raised by one who never does and around others that rarely do, strong, powerful individuals, I’ve always been inclined to believe that there is strength in not doing so. So I followed in their footsteps and even at breaking point I reeled those tears in and kept a stern face and moved on.

You are one of two individuals to have ever seen me cry. I remember being 5 years old and breaking wrist, the pain made me cry and whilst waiting for the ambulance my brother crouched down to my level and he said to me, “don’t cry, crying releases all your anguish, that stuff is important.” At which point I took in a deep breath of air, sniffled and asked “why is pain important to keep inside,” and he said “because it’s an incredible force you can channel into getting what you want in life, hold on to it and channel into something more useful.” I asked what and he told me that I’d know when I find it. And I can say truthfully that everything that I’m proud to have achieved in my life is a direct result of me having channeled my anguish, my pain, my suffering and my rage. Now some might say that’s an incredibly destructive foundation to build achievements upon and maybe it is but it is what it is and far too late to be changed now.

Recently however something has broken inside of me and my heart weeps. All these years I’ve kept it all inside even in the presence of no one but myself. But now I weep alone in the fortress of my heart. I weep for all the injustices in the world, I weep for lack of humanity in this world, I weep that I know this and do nothing about it and I weep for the pain and suffering in my loved ones, but most of all I weep for the loss of you from my life. I can’t quite put into words what your presence means or rather meant to me, what I can say though is that your absence has left a great void in my heart and now my tears fill this void. In my calculated and cold world your loss is a tragedy I cannot easily overcome. I understand that this is my own doing, it was my choice to remove you from my life and everyday I regret it.

I don’t want to stay away anymore. I miss you and I need you but every time I pick up the phone to call or message you this fear creeps in, this fear that you make my heart weak, you soften the strength that I’ve built and bring warmth to an otherwise cold heart, but most of all I fear that hate has grown in place of the love you had for me, and if that is the case I can’t exactly blame you for it, after all it was my doing. I chose this and if there’s anything you’ve called me out on it’s being man enough to follow through with the choices I make.

I hope you’re doing okay. I hope that this finds you well even though I doubt you read this blog anymore.

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3 weeks ago with 11 notes

Tagged: prose creative writing

Gravity

Everything in the universe revolves around an orbit of some kind, from planets around a sun to electrons orbiting around a nucleus. And for the last few years you have been my sun, my nucleus and everything about my being revolved around you, in a sort of balance. But when you told me you loved me but couldn’t be with me I became a planet that’s fallen out of orbit, and a planet out of orbit can do one of two things, I could fall into a gravitational pull and collide with you, and given the enormity of your walls, you the sun would recover, and I the insignificant star would cease to exist. Or fall free of your gravity altogether and wonder through time and space, become free flowing, rogue, eventually colliding with another to form something new and unknown.

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3 weeks ago with 12 notes

Tagged: prose

Wrong’un

I keep ending up in this place time after time, because it seems while someone can fall in love with me, and I for them, it seems for some reason or other they don’t want to be with me. And I end up feeling like this, like there’s something deeply and intrinsically wrong with me as a person. I know I’m far, far from perfect but I just never thought that I was as much as a wrong’un as I feel right now. The thing is whatever reason I’m given, I just hear the words “you’re not good enough, who would want to be with you, you’re delusional” and those are the words that stick, and slowly I start believing them to the point where I hit a low, like I am in now and it takes everything I have coupled with a very long time to recover and then I just end up in a lower hell than where I lifted myself out of oh so long ago, and it gets to the point where I can’t bounce back. And I feel like I shouldn’t even bother.

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3 weeks ago with 1 note

Anonymous said: you are loved. you are appreciated. you are beautiful. you are kind. you are amazing. you are worth everything. you are loved.

I don’t know who you are so sorry to be blunt but anonymously that means very little if anything at all.

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3 weeks ago with 7 notes

Tagged: prose

Bleed

I will bleed my heart dry and my blood will be the ink to my quill. And when I am done I will make sure no love is strong enough to penetrate these walls because no love is worth this. I don’t want to love or be loved if there exists the slightest possibility of me feeling this way ever again. If it involves losing someone so valuable and it seems all of this is my own doing.

I say this like every time I wake up with a hangover. Never again, and perhaps love is a lot like alcohol. And perhaps I’ll do it all over again wake up and say never again. Or perhaps I’ll quit this disgusting habit that has brought me more hurt than the few moments of euphoria will ever be worth.

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3 weeks ago with 106 notes

Tagged: prose

You broke me.

It brings tears to my eyes to say this. But you broke me, I don’t want to play the victim and I know by saying that I am. I just never thought you would or even could.

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3 weeks ago with 5 notes

This wretched blog cost me the most beautiful friendship I’d ever known.

And the irony of it all is that I need this blog now to heal.

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3 weeks ago with 9 notes

Tagged: prose creative writing

Dear Xeng,

I don’t know if you still read this or not, but I remember back to when we were both going through the roughest of times. But you were there for me and I know you probably don’t think it meant much or see a great deal of significance in it. But it helped me greatly.

We used to sit and watch 500 days of summer, you half way around the world and me here, we used to watch it and at the same time we would talk on Skype, it brought my heart peace. We must have watched it a dozen times and it meant the world to me. It helped me get over someone I never thought I’d be able to get over.

The reason I’m writing this is because I’m having to do the same again now years later and I miss you and how much you help me get over her and I wish you were here to help me again. I can’t ask that of you but maybe for old times sake I’ll pop 500 days of summer on and reminisce. It’s funny how something so small and seemingly meaningless meant so much to me. I didn’t realise it at the time but looking back I realise what a great help you were. I hope you’re well.

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1 month ago with 5 notes

Tagged: prose creative writing

Envy and Other Sins

Jealousy, and envy are two things that I’ve never really fallen in the trap of. I’m not often jealous of people, what they have, or what they do. I’ve always been either content with what I have, or had the drive to go after that which I did not, that which I longed for. But when things concern you, I find myself becoming overcome by jealousy, green with envy and I don’t know why, it’s so uncharacteristic of me. You went on a date and I haven’t been able to keep from thinking about it, I’m so incredibly jealous that someone got to take you on a date when I never have.

I’m envious of that fact that I never will. There’s no reason for me to be this jealous, this envious. I should be happy for you. I should be telling you that I want you to be happy and I know that it won’t be me that gets to bring you happiness and whomever it is, I’m sure that they’d deserve you. But I just can’t do it, I can’t bear the thought of it, I can’t contain the jealousy that just thinking about you with someone else stirs inside of me and it’s scaring me because it’s a side of myself I’ve never seen.

Part of me just wants to hook up with someone and tell you about it to stir a reaction from you but I can’t because I keep thinking what it would feel like to hear the same thing coming from you. And then the thought creeps in, telling me maybe you have met someone else you really like and are keeping it for me to protect my feelings, and that I’ve become victim to pity, and I don’t know what’s worse. I feel like this jealousy is making me go crazy and it just sucks. I don’t even have a profound conclusion to this, it just blows.

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1 month ago

itseasyjusttolookaway said: Thanks for all your writing

Thank you for reading. :)