Jealousy, and envy are two things that I’ve never really fallen in the trap of. I’m not often jealous of people, what they have, or what they do. I’ve always been either content with what I have, or had the drive to go after that which I did not, that which I longed for. But when things concern you, I find myself becoming overcome by jealousy, green with envy and I don’t know why, it’s so uncharacteristic of me. You went on a date and I haven’t been able to keep from thinking about it, I’m so incredibly jealous that someone got to take you on a date when I never have.
I’m envious of that fact that I never will. There’s no reason for me to be this jealous, this envious. I should be happy for you. I should be telling you that I want you to be happy and I know that it won’t be me that gets to bring you happiness and whomever it is, I’m sure that they’d deserve you. But I just can’t do it, I can’t bear the thought of it, I can’t contain the jealousy that just thinking about you with someone else stirs inside of me and it’s scaring me because it’s a side of myself I’ve never seen.
Part of me just wants to hook up with someone and tell you about it to stir a reaction from you but I can’t because I keep thinking what it would feel like to hear the same thing coming from you. And then the thought creeps in, telling me maybe you have met someone else you really like and are keeping it for me to protect my feelings, and that I’ve become victim to pity, and I don’t know what’s worse. I feel like this jealousy is making me go crazy and it just sucks. I don’t even have a profound conclusion to this, it just blows.