If you get to do this at all your life is considerably better than mine.
I'm just a guy who likes to write, often it is deep, most of the time I tend to post my inner most thoughts and emotions. Sometimes it can be rather dark, but I see no reason for censorship. I don't often post photo's, I tend not to re-blog. So if you should choose to follow me, follow me with the knowledge that in reading my posts you will know me better than anyone in my life does, but then at the same time not know me at all. After all this blog is anonymous, as theres always fun to be had in mystery.
© August-is-Over. Copyright 2009-2013.
If you get to do this at all your life is considerably better than mine.
so-nothing said: i love your blog. i love how you write the story. on your blog, i' found an answer that i've been looking for. your blog was so inspiring :)
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Let me be brutally honest, I’ve been missing you more than I’ve ever missed anything or anyone before. I’m not about to say I don’t know why, because I do know why, it’s because you mean absolutely everything to me. But what gets me is that all this time I’ve been sat here feeling this way, my only solace was that I kept telling myself that I chose this and it’s my fault. And while losing you from my life was something I chose, the more I think about it, it wasn’t my fault, it was yours.
For year upon year I’ve been in love with you, and I chose not to tell you, granted it was mostly because I never imagined that you’d feel the same about me. When you told me, and you kissed me you should have made it abundantly clear that nothing more could ever happen. You didn’t. You should have made sure that the first time we ever kissed was the last. Why was it your responsibility? Because when you told me you loved me I lived in hope of an ‘us’ that you had ruled out even before I knew. But the thing is you let it happen, over and over again. While your words said no your lips made promises and built hope.
I suppose it’s human nature to allow the heart to rule the head. But if risking our friendship was a deciding factor and one of many reasons that there could never be an ‘us’ then you should have made damn sure nothing more happened beyond that night. THIS IS NOT ON ME. And I’m sick of feeling like it is. I said I wanted you, and I was honest about what I felt and I kissed you when I wanted and when the moment felt right because I wanted more, you kissed me back knowing that there was nothing more. And I really hate to put it in these words but it should be said, you led me on.
None of that hurt me as much as you going on a date less than a month after this had all collapsed in on itself, and you telling me about it. I know that we’ve always been able to tell each other anything and returning to being friends would mean resuming normal functioning but what on earth were you thinking when you told me that, you must have known on some level that would hurt me, perhaps you did it intentionally, I don’t know and maybe I’ll never know. You have no idea how it feels for someone to tell you that you may be the love of their life and seemingly get over you and move on in less than a month. I will never ever get over that. Because you are now the second woman to ever make me feel this worthless. And you, you didn’t even acknowledge that it was insensitive, you didn’t apologise and worst of all you knew what she did to me, you sat there and told me how much of a distaste you had for what she did to me, you wrote me a letter telling that I had worth when she made me feel that I didn’t and now you’ve made me feel more worthless than she ever did.
The difference is that it took me a long time to forgive her. With you I don’t have the heart to say you were wrong. I defend you tooth and nail when I’ve had to tell my friends about what happened. I don’t have to forgive you for anything because with friendship I believe forgiveness is implied.
I haven’t wept in a very long time, and I rarely do, because I see it is a sign of weakness even though I know it’s not. It’s just that I have always been surrounded by strong men who don’t cry, and being raised by one who never does and around others that rarely do, strong, powerful individuals, I’ve always been inclined to believe that there is strength in not doing so. So I followed in their footsteps and even at breaking point I reeled those tears in and kept a stern face and moved on.
You are one of two individuals to have ever seen me cry. I remember being 5 years old and breaking wrist, the pain made me cry and whilst waiting for the ambulance my brother crouched down to my level and he said to me, “don’t cry, crying releases all your anguish, that stuff is important.” At which point I took in a deep breath of air, sniffled and asked “why is pain important to keep inside,” and he said “because it’s an incredible force you can channel into getting what you want in life, hold on to it and channel into something more useful.” I asked what and he told me that I’d know when I find it. And I can say truthfully that everything that I’m proud to have achieved in my life is a direct result of me having channeled my anguish, my pain, my suffering and my rage. Now some might say that’s an incredibly destructive foundation to build achievements upon and maybe it is but it is what it is and far too late to be changed now.
Recently however something has broken inside of me and my heart weeps. All these years I’ve kept it all inside even in the presence of no one but myself. But now I weep alone in the fortress of my heart. I weep for all the injustices in the world, I weep for lack of humanity in this world, I weep that I know this and do nothing about it and I weep for the pain and suffering in my loved ones, but most of all I weep for the loss of you from my life. I can’t quite put into words what your presence means or rather meant to me, what I can say though is that your absence has left a great void in my heart and now my tears fill this void. In my calculated and cold world your loss is a tragedy I cannot easily overcome. I understand that this is my own doing, it was my choice to remove you from my life and everyday I regret it.
I don’t want to stay away anymore. I miss you and I need you but every time I pick up the phone to call or message you this fear creeps in, this fear that you make my heart weak, you soften the strength that I’ve built and bring warmth to an otherwise cold heart, but most of all I fear that hate has grown in place of the love you had for me, and if that is the case I can’t exactly blame you for it, after all it was my doing. I chose this and if there’s anything you’ve called me out on it’s being man enough to follow through with the choices I make.
I hope you’re doing okay. I hope that this finds you well even though I doubt you read this blog anymore.
Everything in the universe revolves around an orbit of some kind, from planets around a sun to electrons orbiting around a nucleus. And for the last few years you have been my sun, my nucleus and everything about my being revolved around you, in a sort of balance. But when you told me you loved me but couldn’t be with me I became a planet that’s fallen out of orbit, and a planet out of orbit can do one of two things, I could fall into a gravitational pull and collide with you, and given the enormity of your walls, you the sun would recover, and I the insignificant star would cease to exist. Or fall free of your gravity altogether and wonder through time and space, become free flowing, rogue, eventually colliding with another to form something new and unknown.
I keep ending up in this place time after time, because it seems while someone can fall in love with me, and I for them, it seems for some reason or other they don’t want to be with me. And I end up feeling like this, like there’s something deeply and intrinsically wrong with me as a person. I know I’m far, far from perfect but I just never thought that I was as much as a wrong’un as I feel right now. The thing is whatever reason I’m given, I just hear the words “you’re not good enough, who would want to be with you, you’re delusional” and those are the words that stick, and slowly I start believing them to the point where I hit a low, like I am in now and it takes everything I have coupled with a very long time to recover and then I just end up in a lower hell than where I lifted myself out of oh so long ago, and it gets to the point where I can’t bounce back. And I feel like I shouldn’t even bother.
Anonymous said: you are loved. you are appreciated. you are beautiful. you are kind. you are amazing. you are worth everything. you are loved.
I don’t know who you are so sorry to be blunt but anonymously that means very little if anything at all.
I will bleed my heart dry and my blood will be the ink to my quill. And when I am done I will make sure no love is strong enough to penetrate these walls because no love is worth this. I don’t want to love or be loved if there exists the slightest possibility of me feeling this way ever again. If it involves losing someone so valuable and it seems all of this is my own doing.
I say this like every time I wake up with a hangover. Never again, and perhaps love is a lot like alcohol. And perhaps I’ll do it all over again wake up and say never again. Or perhaps I’ll quit this disgusting habit that has brought me more hurt than the few moments of euphoria will ever be worth.
It brings tears to my eyes to say this. But you broke me, I don’t want to play the victim and I know by saying that I am. I just never thought you would or even could.